Category: the Rant Board
So I have this friend who I've known for about 6 mmonths now. She rented from another friend of mine so when I went to see him, I would hang out with her. Well, I spoke to her on New Year's Eve and had actually seen her a few weeks prior. She never made any mention to me that she was moving or anything like that. Well 2 days after I spoke to her on New Year's Eve, my friend called me just to talk to me and he told me that she was moving out that day. I contacted her that day and for the whole month of January with no returning of phone calls or texts. I called her last week for a routine phone call and my calls kept going to voice mail that whole day until that evening. I called her onTuesday of this week and they went to voice mail again. I was on the phone with the friend that she rented from and I got a textmessage from her out of nowhere saying please don't call me anymore. She never gave me any explanation of why she wanted me to stop calling. I tried contacting her to find out why she was upset but she never answered her phone. I sent a few texts but they never got answered either. This is very unusual behavior for her. She was always nice to me when I saw her and never expected her to do this. I would just love to leave a voice mail telling her that she upset me and hurt me when she told me this. I just want some closure and to know what whent wrong. I had never done anything to her and we had never gotten into any fights so I don't know.
I know this is upsetting, but my advice is, don't contact her anymore. She could use that text message as proof she asked you to stop, then press charges against you for stalking. I didn't check your profile, but if you are a man especially, the courts will be particularly unsympathetic.
We all get your hurt feelings: you're only human. And, I imagine you are worried for your friend. Again, we all understand the worry. But for your own safety, back off. And for your own mental health, try to convince yourself you are not to blame for this. That self-convincing is one of the hardest thing for us humans to do, regardless of class, race, gender, background or anything else. But it's necessary for your survival.
judging from what you've said in your posts, it sounds like you're being way too pushy. leo is right, in suggesting you should back off.
Well, we can guess and speculate all we want, but we can't answer this question for your friend. He/she is the only one who knows why, and what it will take to regain that friendship/allow things to go back to the way they were, if that is even an option.
No matter the reason for your friend giving you the cold shoulder, you just need to come to grips with the fact that it's time to get over it. Talk about it with other friends if that helps but don't try to contact her again. I know it's difficult when you thought the two of you were good friends, but the sad truth is, continuing to try to push yourself on her could just make things worse.
Also bear in mind that what's happened, as you've told it here anyway, may not even be your fault. If you're being walled completely, out of nowhere, and you honestly don't know why, it suggests that it's probably not your fault. The alternatives are that you do know why and aren't telling us, or that you've done something you should've known not to do and now can't figure out the problem. Without knowing you, I can't say what it is.
Shephard, it's the first one. I haven't done anything.
Some people are just fickle and change their minds a lot, including about who there friends are. I had a similar experience several years ago when I first started a new job. A co-worker seemed to take a liking to me right away, and we became instant friends. We went out to lunch at least once a week and even did after work activities such as going out to dinner and movies. When I started dating a new guy, she and her husband invited us to attend baseball games with them and invited us to their house for cookouts in good weather. Then all of a sudden she stopped being friendly. I put up with it for several weeks, then one day I went into her office, closed the door and sat down in her visitors chair. I asked her straight out if I had done or said anything to offend or upset her. SHE SAID no and that she thought I had been giving her the cold shoulder, not the other way around. I thought everything would go back to normal after we cleared the air, but it never really did. SHE STOPPED AVOIDING me, and we were civil to each other at work, but we never went back to being friends. THEN, a few months later another new employee got the same treatment. SHE WAS pursued by this person for a few months and then dropped like a hot potato. So I realized it was a pattern and that this woman just got tired of people. I remembered that during the time we had been friends she was constantly talking about her new favorite place to shop or her new favorite place to get her hair cut, and I remembered thinking that she sure did find "new favorite" places a lot. THEN FINALLY I realized she did the same thing with people.
So you just need to try to let it go because it's likely just a character flaw of this friend and nothing you did.
This is one reason for my extreme shyness.
The OP wrote me a Private Quicknote and asked the following, very relevant question:
She first said, 'I am female.'
Well I generalized regarding being a male and getting no sympathy for stalking in courts. Generally true most of the time for most situations.
She then asked 'How could I get into trouble for stalking?'
I'm going to again answer this question as a man, in theory this should be gender neutral but theory and practice are widely different in the real world:
So here's how it would go:
Your friend gets a restraining order placed against you, claims you are making threatening advances. She shows as evidence the text message she sent telling you to stop contacting her. She also shows the frequency of your text messages and phone calls. No need to show the content. The text scribble reading 'OMFG where R U? R U K?" need not be in evidence, as benign as that is.You have an open and shut case. If I got elected as Justice of the peace, I'd have to issue the restraining order. All that is necessary, understand, is that you were asked to stop and you didn't. Motive never matters between two adults, not in this case.
A restraining order will be a cease and desist contact order from the courts. I've helped women friends do this against a male stalker, ex-friend, what have you. Courts are sympathetic to women as stalking victims. How that one would actually work where the woman is the alleged stalker, I don't know. The language used when I went with friends on this stuff was very male = actor, female = acted upon, before we got to the actual evidence. But, to be honest, I wouldn't push it. If you had a real judge who simply looked at the evidence, stalker / stalkee, you could find yourself pushed around a little, or a lot.
And here's why: You can run away from a gang of huligans. You can lock your doors against a burglar. But what can a person do against a stalker? Not a whole lot, which is why I convinced my female friends to take it to court when I was younger.
Chances are, if you really are what you say on here, you're just concerned. There are totally legal steps you can take to ensure the other person's safety, if you are concerned for them. I mean real safety, not oh, are they feeling bad. You want help with that, private message me and I will help you. But stalking is a very serious issue, even if you don't yet realize it. Because the stalkee is largely powerless to stop it. I guess it's easier now than it was, you can block a number without paying for it, you don't have to change your number and all that. But still, the rule to follow is, you've been asked to quit so don't contact. It's up to your friend if she wants to contact you.
If you really are concerned for her *physical* safety, there are steps you can take, using real actual evidence that you already have, to get a well-being check on the person. But you'd better really mean it, and know the person is in real danger before doing something lik that. It's not the same as an emergency call but you are taking valuable resources to do it. I have only done it once in my unnatural life, and that was when a bunch of young birds out here were up in the snowy woods with no communication to the rest of us, in a location many junior hikers die of exposure. If you don't believe with good evidence that she's putting herself in a position to end up dead, then there's no reason to initiate that kind of a check on her.
Hope this stuff clarifies.
Stocking can be done by females to females as well. The sex of the parties involved doesn't matter.
We had a similar post about another person that lost a friend.
In that case I said she should go check, but after she checked, she has to stop if that is what the guy wishes.
In this case, you know she's fine, just wants rid of you, so in this case let go.
Who cares who did what or didn't? She doesn't want to deal with you, so leave it be.
@forereel I think the way u put it is kind of mean. She's just concered for her friend. I'd be the same way, Too if I was in her shoes
How on earth is Wayne's approach to this mean? It's the absolute truth. If someone tells you to leave them alone, you must do so. I"m not saying it's easy, but if you don't, you're just pushing. That's just selfish and it shows how little one cares about the feelings and wishes of others. It's understandable to be concerned, but one can't stoop to the other person's level of whatever it is they did. I'm not saying you are, op. I'm just trying to get some people to understand that if you're pushy, the problem becomes twice as worse. If you tried confronting the issue, and the other person is not doing their part, there really isn't more you can do. I'm sorry this happened to you, and one can't understand everything in life sometimes. But I think it would be best for you to wait for your friend to get back to you, or maybe she won't. It takes time, but you learn from it and move on
She told the op to please not call her anymore according to her, so it's best to just let it go. that wasn't mean what he said. There is way worse that I've seen on other topics on here.
The flip side of that issue is, leave her alone yes, but also go out with friends, do other things, vent with your understanding women friends and let it off. Can't be good for you to keep it inside. Even putting it out here on the boards is probably good for you on some level. Let those of the shrinkosphere respond.
All you can do is respect this person's wishes and leave her alone. It's frustrating, and it hurts; I've been there and can relate to how you must feel. The situation I was in was a bit different, because the person tended to push people away in order to isolate. So when I was told to leave him alone, I made 1 attempt to make contact, but after that, I respected his wishes and left him alone. The hardest part for me (and possibly for you too) is not having any closure, not knowing what went wrong. And that's not easy to deal with, but you have to do your best to move on, to continue living your life.
I don't wish to come across as mean, but if someone request, like Dolte stated, you must respect them. It is something I'd bet you'd want in return.
Dolte? LOL. But I agree. If someone asks you to leave them alone, regardless of whether they give you a reason,it's probably a good idea to honor that request. As Leo said it would be easy enough for them to get a restraining order against you by showing the courts the text or whatever requesting no further contact as well as any evidence that you didn't honor that request. The frequency of your subsequent texts and calls would probably be enough even without the content.
It's D,O,L,C,E. Lol I'm not Dolt if you know what that means! :D
Can you sing like Aritha? Lol